06/08/2001
After 18 months on this stage of the tour the band has been asked to leave the British Virgin Island by request of the high consulate. The reasons we were given were that its is illegal to have intimate relations with a jar of kidneys. Upon hearing this our resident kidney lover Lord Chunkington Smyth Farquas Hufford. Offered his resignation this was not accepted. To cheer the old boy up we bought him a new plastic liver as his dickey glass one is beyond repair
06/08/2001
Next stop Guyana. The band will have accommodation in the capital GeorgeTown. And they will be doing an impromptu concert on arrival. So if any of you are in the vicinity we will be appearing at Slack Jacks Camel Slaughterhouse on the 9th of this month.
07/08/2001
Tragic news. Percussionist, I Bodgeit has been admitted to hospital with severely burned testicles. The incident occurred when Ira was getting into the party mood with the locals as it is St Bulbous day the patron saint of Exploding Trousers. Ira grabbed a pair of the said trousers and thrust them on ( to show that us Brit's are scared of nothing) when due to some faulty stitching the things blew up. Ira was rushed to hospital with a severely singed pubic region
17/08/2001
The band is pleased to announce the procurement of a new librarian. Ivana Crapalova. She joins up from the Moscow Sewage band. After many years of service with them she decided she had had enough of living in the pipe at the back of the band room and needed a change of scenery. She will join us in Greenland and you will be pleased to know she will live in the lap of luxury from now on. In the water key of Lord Huffords Bass.
26/08/2001
Well at last after weeks of traveling we have finally made it. The band have arrived in the Greenland capital Nuuk. Along the way we have picked up our new resident conductor Mr. James. More news soon
06/10/2001
Lord Hufford here, little bit of gossip for you, whilst in a bar in Nuuk, getting absolutely slaughtered, with new boy James, well I say slaughtered more like Nuuked (get it fnar, fnar). James confessed to me that he is in fact the love child of Von Genchler and that Librarian of ours who is seeking succor in my water key.
Turns out that Ivana Craplova is not her real name, it is Ivhada Craplova and Jamesie is the result. You can see the resemblance as both Von Genchler and Jamesie wear white jackets.
Apparently it turns out the Von Genchler whilst on tour with the Berlin Toilet Boys, flushed with a successful concert at Lenin's Tomb, he went on a vodka drinking spree, which lasted for 3 weeks and a day. On week 2 they ran out of vodka so he turned to a lethal cocktail called Lenin's Hair Piece. This consists of 3 parts Gin one part Potchin five parts Toilet Duck and to top it all of one part Embalming Fluid. He subsequently fell into a coma and the rest is as they say history. Of course our illustrious leader is not aware of this, and I'm afraid it may compromise his position. Forgetting about the couple of hundred positions that he took her in. ( Ivhada's Brag).
Now of course I'm a little concerned that as the 'lady' concerned is living I'm my water key she is close to my substantial trouser snake and I am concerned that she may trap me in a similar way. Perhaps we could find alternative accommodation for her inside Marcus's Timps. I could spit in there first so she feels at home.
More on this story as it breaks…….
Lord Hufford News at Ten Nuuk Greenland.
15/11/2001