Funeral Band 1842
Pity Me Jubilee Temperance Band Late 1842
But it was a name that would not last long. Their first conductor BARNABUS QUAGMIRE realized that for the band to flourish they needed to attract more players and the ideal source was found in the shame of the orphans in the local workhouse. The gutter snipes were given a glass of water and a pickled egg each to play in the band and so the band became know as the GUTTER SNIPE WORKHOUSE BAND.
For the next ten years or so the band continued to operate on a local level rehearsing in the workhouse and providing the orphans with a distraction from their poverty and keeping them from the evils of smoking marmite.
But in 1857 fifteen years after his fathers death FINIUS P COCKWINKLE'S (owner of the local chutney mine) discovered that the band that played so badly at the funeral were still going and feeling obliged to assist them he purchased a new set of instruments for the band and its first mascot BORIS THE DANCING COD. Boris was discovered by a worker from the mine at a traveling circus in the nearby village of Slathering Gash. All this was purchased for the extortionate price of 10 bob and a collection of old cheeses. Which was over half a year's profit from the mines. So to acknowledge this new found support the band became FINIUS P COCKWINKLE'S CHUTNEY WORKS BAND
Little did they realize that this was to become brass bandings longest sponsorship.
The band didn’t start to contest until its second conductor took the helm. They entered the North East Rutland Pig Breeders Challenge Contest in 1866. But sadly their playing wasn’t the thing that stuck in people minds that day. Bobby Crush the bands G Trombone player was arrested after he killed 9 players from Maxamillian Slugworths Underwater basket Weaving Co. band. This unfortunate episode happed as Crush's bottom exploded after his 201st bottle of brown ale. The players killed were stood in the blast zone. Also 3 sets of band instruments were destroyed, the damage was estimated at 10 shillings. Crush was arrested and charged with willful disregard for bottom corsetry and carrying an offensive arse. In September of that year Judge Roderick Hardbastard found him guilty and sentenced him to 18 years with no chance of parole. So distraught at this Crush took his own life with a sponge in Boosebeck Jail in 1867.
Also the band was banned from contesting for ten years.
This heralded the start of some lean times for the band and in 1872 the band almost folded as 60% of the players were killed in the Great Haggis Plague.
But the band fought back and in 1876 BRAMWELL MISPERTON led the band back onto the contest stage Galashields Lama Groomers Invitational. With a scintillating performance of Oops Mrs. Farthing Mind your Artichokes the band were awarded last place.
The bands first contest win didn’t come until 1901 at the Outer Mongolian Open. The test piece was a 3-minute classic called Slaughtering My Neighbors.
Outer Mongolian Open Champions 1901
The impressive Outer Mongolian Cup
In 1914 due to the Great War all band activities were ceased and all the players were put to work in the chutney mine to increase output and assist with the war effort. But in 1919 the band reformed and followed a trend set by other bands at the time they embarked on a world tour originally organized as a 6-month jaunt to Australia. But 82 years later they still haven’t returned.
In 1977 BORIS THE DANCING COD was replaced as the bands mascot. For two main reasons Firstly the bands manager of the time saw the way in which the merchandising success of the Star Wars film was raking in the cash and a fish just wasn't cuddly enough. Secondly Boris had died in 1872 and had become a rather unhealthy Purple colour and unbelievably stinky, some members of the band thought it was the bands prostitutes clout, but after a scientific experiment and a lot of hands on sniffing the conclusion that it was definitely Boris was reached. So Boris was given the send off he deserved after 120 years service. He was made into a fisherman's pie and eaten by Garry Nipplechips the bands Solo EEb bass player. Boris's replacement was Fergus The Chutney Ferret. An all together more cuddly option. Hence the bands nickname the Ferrets.
The Chutney Mines are flourishing and the workforce sends out new players all the time to replace players who have died whilst on tour or who have retired or settled down.
The band is still in full tour mode and send back regular correspondence home for all its fans.
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